Entry 12: It’s is 2:04 a.m. on a Tuesday. I am high. I picture myself standing in the middle of the freeway. The lights cast my shadow four different directions. Cars fly past but all I see are the lights. Red and white lines begin to form around me, circling me, encasing me. I begin to spin. Cars continue flying past. They honk at me. They swerve. They won’t hit me. I feel my feet lose contact with the asphalt. I am floating. But everything looks like I’m underwater. My dress is spilling around me and my hair begins to entwine about. I can breath though. Reach out to nothing. Feels like air. Feels like water.
Loud noise and I am back. Sitting on her balcony. Staring at neon lights from across the street. Fingers are numb. I realize I am cold. But it feels so good, I do nothing. I am high. Blood is pounding in my veins and I can feel its path from my heart to my left big toe, to my ear and back to my heart. It is crazy. I am still but my body rocks gently with my pulse.
Take this opportunity to ask, what ever happened? What happened between me and them? What happened between me and him? What happened between us and her? Sit, rocking, mimicking the crazy but I don’t care. It’s funny. Begin to smile, begin to giggle, begin laughing, begin crying. Am I going insane? No. I am happy. Ish. I am happy with my position. I wouldn’t change it right now. I will later. When I get around to it. When I get sick of it. Go back to the freeway.
There are days when I’m on top of the world. When there is nothing but smiles and everything I do has a purpose. Everything that occurs that day will affect something else the next day. Everything matters. I matter. I feel valued and I value others. It’s exhilarating. Other days, I am so teeny. I am so small. Compare the size of the earth to the size of our sun (a normal sized star) Compare the size of earth to the size of me. I am nothing. It goes back and forth. So I mostly prefer the days where these thoughts don’t cross my mind. Where I am me and I am content with that. Do not worry about others’ perceptions, do not worry about my size in comparison to Earth. I am me. Even ****, I can still smile with that knowledge.