Entry 14: Curled up in the sheets, tucked away from the frigid air blasting in the corner. In the silence of the room, I hear a piano, trickling to provide a soundtrack. Pressing my nose to the corner, I stare at the blank wall. Hints of words exist in my peripheral vision but I focus every ounce of attention on the slight texture, existent but two inches from me. I feel my eyes, floating in circles to grasp and memorize this small stretch of wall. I’m not sure why but I look for meaning in the almost invisible crevices, the slightly raised sections. What happened? Well, I know what happened. I feel as if through out the night, constant thoughts were just bursting into flames, exploding in a shower of fireworks. The night sky was filled with revelations and confusion.
I had walked outside, away for a few minutes. Staring at the bottle covered in condensation, I sat and sat. Then I stood up. A song with more instruments than words was heard faintly from inside and I stood up in the parking lot and spun. I spun in a circle, with my arms spread and watched the stars twist above me. Faster and faster I spun, faster and faster the earth fell away and the stars became strings of thought, strings of words. It was all so much in such little time. So many words pressed against my lips and I fought so hard to hide them. Those words called feelings. My eyes gave me away. Windows to my soul that I have yet to board up. I continued spinning, distracting myself from it all but at the same time, seeking the center point for which to cling to. That center point to which I could sit and understand it all. Understand you.
You don’t scare me. You say you understand me entirely. Then you should understand this. I can take a lot. A lot more than you give me credit for. So have a little faith. Because I have faith in the devil in you. And I won’t walk away. Sitting here, curled in the corner, cold sheets grazing my legs, I think of you. Fireworks of comprehension stir behind my pupils and the wall is shadowed with your image, crying. I remind you gently, that everything will be okay if you just give it time. Time, time, time. Big Ben towers above my figure and each hand strikes a tone that echos for ages in my ears. Lets just do here and now. Can we do that? Here and now, the stars have stopped spinning. Here and now, I see your sleeping face. Here and now, I hold your hand.
So just hold my hand and smile back. That’s all I need.