Self-Control

Turn the key in the ignition
Feel the engine halt abruptly
Sitting in the car, in my own world
I look at that front door
And sigh
Take the key from the controlling point
Admit defeat
And exit my own world
To return back to reality
To return back to self-control 

The feeling of freedom
Is so delicious
But as soon as that porch light is in view
I feel the cage settle within my bones
Time to enact the self-control
Time to put limitations on my mouth
My heart, my eyes, my actions
With a sigh, the car door closes behind me
And I trudge through the puddles and the cold
Up to the door

Put my key in the lock, turn it
Creep upstairs
Submerge myself in the controlled section of my life
The corners of this room grow smaller every day
Light blue walls lying of the optimism within

I feel my muscles shaking
Every pore oozing frustration
Why am I so frustrated?
I feel this need,
To be a controlled figure,
Automaton,
Operation Keep the Peace
It’s such an analytical process
Figure out appropriate responses,
Appropriate behavior

My bones grow weary
Of constant self-control
And ache to return behind the wheel
To give in to every temptation of freedom, light, optimism

Ugh,

I hate self-control

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