Sleepless and Purposeless

Cigarette smoke wafts in an unseen breeze.
Take a long drag from between frozen fingers.
As I exhale, where does the smoke stop and the breath begin?
It is a still cold. A crisp cold.
I press my headphones farther into my ears, blocking out the exterior world.
As I close my eyes, I feel my still body
Seeming to rise and spin with the sway and fall of the notes
Open my eyes and I am still right where I started

In the silent complex, they all lie sleeping.
Some alone, others with the one of their dreams.
But in this hour when even I should lie amongst my pillows,
I find my mind racing with thoughts that can lead to nowhere good.
To crush them and ignore them only makes them appear louder, speak brighter behind closed eyelids.

With another hasty drag, the cigarette flickers weakly before fading.
It’s purpose served, a quick flick lands it beneath the cars in the parking lot.
But what is my purpose, I wonder? What am I supposed to do?
I seem to be sitting a standstill, accomplishing many things yet going nowhere.
Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to move.
I’m afraid to give up on possibilities that won’t even reveal themselves.

The blanket unfurls around my pale legs and with the sudden brush of cool air,
Goosebumps cascade forth. Even the hair on my neck rises in a slight shiver.
A silent mediator, I lean against the iron balcony and into the breeze.
Focus my sleepy eyes and sleepless mind on the never ceasing headlights.
These people seem to travel with a purpose but what is it that leads you
To maneuver these city streets at two in the morning?
You do not all race to an obsolete job, You do not all rush to an emergency room for a loved one.

Or are you like me? Sleepless. Wandering these streets in search of something, anything, but nothing that can be named.
With a sigh fit for a death bed, I rise off the balcony and turn into the apartment.
There is nothing to be accomplished out here.
So instead, I shall lie awake amongst pillows and wonder, what is it that’s missing?
What is it that has led me to remain sleepless and still in this room, night after night?

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