My roommate and I have run out of lease at our apartment. We move April 30. Now, our apartment has a few things wrong with it and I have sent a *few* e-mails to the office as a request for maintenance. They have neglected to respond. I have neglected to lift my lazy self off the couch and hike down to the office in person. Not to mention, being witty in person is much more difficult than on the computer. There is no ‘backspace’ button in person conversation nor is there ‘italicize’ or ‘bold’ options. You can yell or stress certain syllables in your words but then people become offended because you’re yelling at them when you’re simply trying to emphasize a word or phrase to save them from asking you to repeat it. But by then the conversation is over and they won’t allow you to explain your attempts at ‘bolding’ a phrase during normal conversation.
Anyhow, I sent them this e-mail in attempts to pique their curiosity and incite a desire to perhaps come by and have some coffee with us. Who would not wish for an eloquent and philosophical discussion on the eradication of micro-pigs and predicted implications of a shortage of bacon for humanity?
—– To: Old Farm Apartments
In apartment ####, on the side of “
The Crossing“, I was discussing the philosophical implications of reducing the average pig size to that of a micro-pig with my friend, and have realized that we have several problems on our hands.
1. The micro-pig yields far less bacon, also genetically modified. This shortage in bacon would severely depress the entirety of the planet. All micro-pigs must be erradicated.
2. Our apartment is in need of a few repairs. I e-mailed back a few weeks ago but failed to follow up so perhaps we can share the blame. It’s a party.
Our screen door has come out of its railing slot. In order to move it, you must pick it up and place it in the desired location.
Our dryer is basically crap. Maybe it’s in need of replacement or maybe something’s screwing with the hot air needed to properly dry clothes. Constantly wearing damp clothing has led to the most annoying sniffle epidemic in our household. Winter was terrible. Perhaps a fireplace could be put in place of the dryer? Basically, in order to dry a “large” batch of clothing, the dryer must run at least three cycles, on high heat. Now, heaven forbid you need towels or clean blankets dried. Those will run about five cycles.
My roommate and I would be absolutely delighted if you could stop by and fix the screen door. Dryer is optional as we’ve elected to invest in thousands of clothes pins and string to deliver as a housewarming gift to the next occupant of our apartment. If you wish to pitch in, your efforts would be greatly appreciated.
Oh! And we move on April 30th. This e-mail is to prevent being charged with damages upon removal of our existence from your humble location.
I appreciate your attention and welcome any response, including but not limited to a discussion of ethical and efficient ways to eradicate micro-pigs.
Jordan and Jennifer
And now… we wait.