Highways and Heartbreaks

Take me somewhere quiet Unbroken Horse
Take me somewhere beautiful
Take me somewhere with air
Take me somewhere with water
Take me somewhere warm
Take me somewhere happy
Take me somewhere inspiring
Take me somewhere intriguing

Take me out of this metal pile of disgust, hatred and impatience
Take me from this city and put me in a field
Take me off these highways and heartbreaks

Take me to a sandy spot, with water and a breeze
Take me to a cozy spot, with hay and a cabin
Take me to a high up spot, with snow and a dream

As the numbers float in circles behind my eyes
Twisting inside my dreams and running across my words
The bills have risen higher and higher
The morning sun seems harsher and harsher
The boredom makes me angrier and angrier
The heats sinks me lower and lower
The stress tears my sanity farther and farther

I did it again, in case you were wondering,
I kept my words unspoken and my thoughts under lock and key
I let them loose only to convey I was close to breaking
I was told by one person,
“You won’t ever change, Jordan. You’re always going to keep things to yourself.
You’re never going to fully trust anyone and people are going to give up on you.
Not everyone’s going to stick around and wait you out to the breaking point every time.”
I guess it’s about time I admitted they were right.

I have improved though. I talk a lot more. I show a lot more. I cry a lot more as a result.
I no longer explode in a manner to rival that of a nuclear bomb. 
But it still caught up to me today and I slipped up
In a manner that ashamed me and insulted him entirely
Almost called in to work so I could go hide in another city for a couple hours.
But I’m back at work.
Wishing desperately I was hiding.
But I can’t run again.

Running, hiding, turning the tables and remaining a stoic figure, unwilling to listen to brutal honesty about my actions and how they affected others. That is what I did for too many years. I listened but never in front of people. I listened and cried to myself. Now, right now, all I want to do is go hide for a few days. I didn’t even screw up that bad! Yet, I know the level of insult it delivered and I can see his face behind my eyelids, angry, hurt, and wishing that punching a wall would make it all go away.

I want to go to another town.
I want to get in my car and drive.
I want to disappear on a back road.

But despite what I want to do, I want more to keep him around for the rest of my life. Running and hiding won’t make that happen.

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