Duece – The Gentle Giant

March 23, 2013

Steven Lon Ayers, better known as Duece, passed away from a motorcycle accident in which he lost control of his Harley Davidson around a curve. His female passenger, Lizzie, was thrown as well and transported to the hospital where she remains in critical condition but showing improvement.

Duece was and is a gentle giant whose heart was true but scarred from life’s brutal lessons. His demeanor towards me was always kind, no matter how low his brow was furrowed that day.

I had the honor of becoming a good friend of his in the most recent months along with many others at the bar who had conversed with him routinely yet not been able to get close. In his days of hurt, many friends showed just how loyal and dependable they all could be and I should like to include myself among them. If he needed to vent, a roof over his head or a cold beer and silent company, he was surrounded by those who loved him and accepted him as he was. A hopeless romantic with a tough exterior, twinkling blue eyes that laughed within the somber face and of course a friend to you just as you are to him.

Duece (far right) laughs and shields himself from the camera. Last photo of Duece taken before his passing.

This is believed to be the last photo taken of Duece (far right), snapped earlier that day on the bar patio in his usual attire. It’s funny but I find that this photo really captures all that was and still is Duece. His home away from home, always in his work clothes, laughing in the sunshine with friends who accept him just as he is and being able to truly smile.

Obituary of Steven Lon Ayers, “Duece”

 

**I had so much more to say originally and I do feel that this entry doesn’t do his friendship and personality justice; however this is all that needed to be said and the rest would’ve just cluttered my point. Duece is a great man and we celebrate his life rather than mourn the ending because that’s exactly what he would want. 

 

I Was Bullied Too – A Note of Love and Happiness

Each day I have woken up to read of a new tragedy. The details of horrific crimes, murder-suicides, rape and murder overflow from my computer. What hits home the most though, is the story of children committing suicide.

I read through their blog entries, their Facebook updates, their words of desperation typed out to the internet and feeling as though it will never be found. They are seeking for confirmation, for no one to read and comment, or ask if they’re alright.

It hurts me, so truly, because I know that feeling. I have felt the despair, depression and general desire to give up. I have sought to end my own life’s breath, naively thinking that no one would care. In the back of my mind, I knew I was being irrational. I had a strong, supportive and loving family that for some reason, I had chosen to shut out. My family would have gathered around me and provided the strength I needed a lot earlier, if I had only sought to ask.

So I have a message to you, the hurting teenager, the unpopular junior high kid. You might want to grab a drink and a snack, it’s a little lengthy. Also, go ahead and clear the bladder now. Because it doesn’t have the same depth if you get up to take a piss halfway.

There is hope in the distance - Anti Bullying - Koogimama Ponders

What can I do to show you that it’s ok to dream?
How can I convince you the world isn’t that scary?
I wish my words would be enough, the voice of hope that managed to break beyond the pain
It’s rough now, but I know and I want you to know that your life is not worth missing out on

No matter how your self was brought into being
By accident, planning or something horrific
You were allowed to develop and encouraged to come out and join us
With your first breath, you knew love, cradled by your mother who knows it was worth it
In your first sleep, you knew peace, though your parents hovered frantically above you all night
The first step you took showed you knew determination
And that first tickle’s giggle gave you the knowledge of happiness

And then you learned to speak and the power of words
With the ability to say “I want” came “I don’t”
And with “I love you” came “I hate you”
“You’re beautiful” also taught you the opposite, “You’re ugly”
Each sweet word spoken was met with its opposite, quickly and harshly
Beginning when you could determine which toys were yours and which ones were theirs

In school, the vicious taunts and insults, naive kids struggling to decipher society’s norms
You all were learning the ways around, but most often were exposed to extremes of love and hate
You learned what it was like to be ignored, cast out and shamed
For your appearance, your heritage, your family, your handicap or seemingly just for existing
No matter the reason, you were made to feel small and unwanted
And I’ve been there
I was taunted mercilessly, bullied through elementary school, middle school, high school

The most common nicknames were:

Bullying is Wrong - I was Dumbo

Talk about creative genius, huh?

Bullying is Wrong - I was called monkey

The monkey face may have only accelerated the name calling, looking back on it.

Bullying is Wrong - My ears were butterfly wings

This one came from my best friend in 6th grade. So I went to the bathroom and wrote her an angry letter. It’s kind of funny lookin’ back on it.

Believe me, I know what you’ve been through – to a much deeper level than those photos suggest
I know the thoughts that you’ve had and the nights upon nights of tear-stained sheets
Sobs muffled in your pillow until you fall asleep from exhaustion
I know this because I’ve been there
I have also dreamt of the escape, running away or releasing myself from the daily task of breathing

But I said no
I rose up from my pain
Musty curtains rained specks of dust as they were thrown open
The sunlight reaches so much farther when you open your eyes to let it in

The shaky muscles will grow stronger, I promise
They just need a little practice
Standing tall is a state of mind, not just a stance, and it only happens when your heart feels the desire to beat with a purpose

To the bullies, I won’t tell you I fought back because I didn’t
But I stopped cowering, I stopped believing their taunts
I didn’t throw insults, I just stood straighter
Mean people are a lot smaller when you stare them down with a smile

You can rise up, knowing that you’re not defined by words or looks
You are defined by the heart, by your strength
By the courage you feel to hold steady and brave the tide

It gets better
When you believe in your bones, your muscles, your tendons and soul
When you breath with a purpose and welcome the vital air

You are free, with the world to explore
Do not settle to stay in your city after you can leave
Do not remain where you hate, with memories that sour each day
Grab a map and a pen
Close your eyes and let your dreams guide your hand
And when the ink meets paper, open your eyes to your destination
A booming metropolis or a corn field in bum fuck nowhere,
I bet you haven’t seen it and I bet with a few clicks on the computer,
You can get there pretty soon

It’s the race of adventure, exploration and knowledge that brings the brightest light to your eyes
You have the choice
Empower yourself not with bitter old feelings but with experience of a place and memories that can never be touched

Just do what I do and when you’re ready, as in you truly believe in your heart of hearts and your smile is genuine and your stride is long
Leave a nice little note and maybe they’ll find it

You can overcome the bullies

I really hope someone sees this and reaches for their own pen and paper.

When you stretch your life beyond its limits and past that little line of chalk the bullies drew
Your imagination can stretch your future even farther
But before you go, be sure to send your old “buddies” a nice little goodbye.

To my bullies, fuck off.

Psst… bullies! Can’t touch this, duh nuh nuh nuh, du nuh, du nuh, CAN’T TOUCH THIS!

Skeleton’s Truth

Only in the last breaths of midnight do the truths reveal
An ivory ribcage, dirty with elegance
Demanding recognition be paid to each cracked bone
And looking into these blue eyes, pupils pulsating with one’s heartbeat
The effects are fading, visual trickery seeking solace in the shadows
The skeleton holds dear, its frail shape standing tall
With those shaky breaths, life’s fragility hangs in the balance
And no matter your next decision, you will be standing
But only with a willpower earned
Can one seek to move each muscle encasing your physique
Or to guide fibrous connections towards a needed end

Careening Into Stars

Sailing with the moon and the stars
It’s not about the beauty this go round
As limbs seem to float about and you’re moving
Carried above to a cold oblivion
Where your insignificance suddenly becomes the biggest thing for millions of miles

“Kill your heroes and fly”* they said
So you did
And now, floating amidst a starry background
Flying has sped up, almost immediately
Smiling to yourself, feel the rush of a cold, imaginative dream
Now open your eyes

Before the mouth can release a scream of terror
The body begins careening carelessly
Mercilessly,
Flinging  the figure into stars
That burning beauty nows peels back skin and muscle
Tears you down to bone

Though you continue to fly,
Stripped of your senses, only your thoughts can bear you on
Tracking the flames of starry wishes
And stabbing through bones with pretend sensations of chilly air

So sail

Sail on

 

Could You, Would You, In Your Life?

Truth and Beauty

A Softer World

There’s a thousand and one ways for you to kill the passing hour
There’s a million and one ways to kill a day
A billion and one to kill a week

A trillion and one in your lifetime

I think a big part of growing up and becoming an independent being
Involves a major lesson on how to be a child again
Actually, growing up involves a lot of lessons

1. Appreciate the little things
It’s the simple, small things that allow you to really grasp how awesome your life is. I know the bills pile up and the days seem to get longer, but it doesn’t matter against the little things.
Your loved one puts a simple post-it on the front door saying “I love you” that you see just as you leave for work.
When you only need a twenty five cents more for your purchase and the person behind gives it to you.
Your waiter offers free refills on something that normally would’ve been extra.

Last night I had one of those moments. We were sitting at the bar and watching as Flash, an older black man, sings soulfully into the mic, smiling at the women who giggle to each other. All of a sudden, a new song comes on and my love sets down my beer, grabs my hand and pulls me onto the dance floor, where we sway slowly, spinning softly, to Elvis.
“Take my hand, take my whole life too / For I can’t help falling in love with you.” 

2. Do not regret what you’ve done in life because at that time, it was exactly what you wanted.
I’m guilty of sitting and regretting A LOT in my life. It’s something everybody does. But there’s value in those things you “regret”. Those drunken nights, those loud arguments in the driveway, the desire to run from the only people who’ve been there from the beginning, not staying in school, quitting a job for false pride. All of these things people can look back on and regret but honestly, would you be where you are today if they hadn’t happened?

Each experience, action, or memory that you look back on with just a little bit more perspective and a tighter hold of the big picture is something to be appreciated, not regretted. Those times built you, showed you where to go, who to trust, gave you the opportunity to be the bigger person, and challenged you to not be content with what you used to be and instead seek improvement and betterment of your self.

3. Remember that the internet isn’t life. There’s the outside as well.
This one’s silly and something that we all heard from our parents growing up.
“It’s a beautiful day today, why don’t you go outside?”
Despite how many times they said it, we still had to be locked outside for a decent couple of hours on a regular basis. At the time, yes, you’re having a fantastic adventure through jungles and hiding from cars but it’s not until years later that suddenly, as you’re sitting in an office or on your lunch break, sweating from manual labor or wearing a jacket in your cubicle, that you miss being able to go play in the mud.

Even if your not an outdoors person, you can still enjoy a nice afternoon outside. I know here in Houston that’s a little impossible right now but eventually!!! A picnic by the bayou, take the dogs to the dog park, challenge your friend to a go-kart race, or just join friends/family for a dip in the pool.

Whenever I get bored with being “grown up” and “responsible”, I invite someone out to eat. And then I initiate a spitball war. Or just throwing random things at each other war. But it never hurts to relax once in a while and just act like a child.

I remember going out to eat and getting told to be quiet and sit still a couple years back by someone. Said that I was being childish and embarrassing them. What I remember most though, was the fact that while they were embarrassed, I was just mad they didn’t try to understand. You don’t have to act like a grown-up all the time. Remember that, boy.

Life is something to be cherished, fully appreciated, a reason to be grateful and an opportunity to do more than just make a paycheck.

Random, Awesome Pictures

A lot of these pictures were brought to my attention by The Chive and they are fantastic.

Awesome, random or just funny. (I’m bored and this is what I’ve decided to do instead of work for the last little bit of time I have left at this desk today.

Question Everything

True Story

Awesome. True Story.

Pluto: Karma's a Bitch

The Clock Has a Boring Tick

Courtesy of The Chive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s clicking, and ticking,
Slicing and dicing,
Slowly inching towards that anticipated hour
When the screen goes black
My fingers retract from the keyboard
And my feet lift me from this chair

Soon, two hours soon,
I can go home
And sit, thinking and sitting,
About the general boring nature
Of today

Boring.

Billiards/Bowling

I bet this guy isn't bored today 😡

Just Beneath the Skin

I know it’s just around the corner
I feel the skin stretching to contain an anger
Derived from frustration, stress, and strained nets

The stupid things that have led me to tears in the past weeks
Looking at a damn page about puppies,
Feeling shitty at certain things,
And feeling like somehow, I’ve disappointed him, even when I’ve done nothing to create that feeling

I ignored the hints, the warnings
And now, I sit, simmering, perched on a crumbling cliff
Having no logical reason to feel so… angry? Maybe just frustrated?

Just Beneath the Skin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here comes the blow up,
Here comes the sudden wash of emotion and pent up frustrations and unspoken words
Why, when my life has gone absolutely perfect for so long now?
Maybe it’s because I hate this city…
The concrete paths, the towers of metal and revealing glass
The dirt and the scum on the bottom of my shoes as I step two feet outside

He suggested Colorado. God, I’ve been dreaming about that place for months now.
It’s not even guaranteed. I’ve never been.
But every night, I dream of a place different, a place where the memories are new
A change in scenery
I don’t care if it’s cold, I don’t care if the tourists are everywhere, bumbling around with fanny packs galore
I just need to get out

It’s the money situation
The inability to go anywhere, even just to the beach for a day
I can’t afford it and when I can,
Something always pops up that I have to pay instead
And I can’t go spending my money on a trip to a beach or a vacation
Especially not when I’ve been relying so heavily on financial backing from others these past few months

I just… I just want to feel something other than a thick, muggy heat
Stare at something other than a traffic light
Breathe in air not composed strictly of exhaust and angry feelings

I have no reason to be feeling this way
But I do
And it sucks
😡

Daydreaming of Life Changing Skies

A Patriotic Show of Violence and Upset at the Coming Storm

There’s over two hours left in my work day.
Yet, as fascinating as moving contact information from one site to another is, I keep distracting myself.
If I lean my head six inches to the left, I can see past my half-cubicle wall and through an office, into a window that takes up 2/3 of the whole wall.
The skies are a mottled gray, taunting fresh rain to parched tongues and tires
But no one lets themselves hope for more than a few minutes
So they continue on, through the dirty random gusts of wind
Through the window, the American flag and Texas flag wave violently by the bursts of air flowing fiercely, side by side but brutally attacking each other, controlled by other elements.

Although there’s not much to see beyond rippling cloths of red, white and blue, I’m seeing so much.

Daydream of the Unreal

Quietly slipping into a daydream, hidden in my little corner,
Wondering what is happening right this second
That I’m missing because of these silly phone numbers?
What event is taking place, somewhere else, that I could be at?
Don’t you ever wonder what you’re missing out on?

I will see it all one day. After the finances become sturdy enough to rely on for years of adventure.
Until then, simple weekend getaways will have to suffice.
But just wonder, something could happen right. this. second. and you’re missing it
It could be life-changing, eye-opening, the moment of truth, the event to help you see yourself,
The adventure to help you grow into you, the split-second where you face death and win.

And snap, my focus breaks.
Back to the phone numbers, names from clients years ago, gathering cobwebs inside the web of worldy wideness.

Side glances from time to time keep me going, each glimpse of the window a new bright dream to turn over in my head.

The Moment of Sunrise

You can’t see the sun, but suddenly the grass is lit
The birds rise and sing as one, chirping incessantly
They sound as if they’re crying to be noticed and held, loved
But no bird wants to be held close
They are to fly free, fly solo as they were born to do
So I stop personifying that which denies it

As I sit on this limited section of concrete,
I feel the bricks digging into my back at every corner
And I light up one more cigarette,
Knowing my friend has succumbed to the sleep that escapes my grasp
These blue eyes rove over the street beneath me,
Watching as people emerge from their doors, locking them,
Getting into their car and driving to a job meant to give purpose to one’s existence

And through it all, I realize that none of it matters
Because you’re not here by my side, holding my hand, and watching the world turn with me
I used to run searching desperately for a place to stay and call home
But now I know,
“You put your arms around me and I’m home” *

So each day, as I gingerly place my feet on the carpet beside my bed,
I step slowly but surely, confidently
Trusting the drumming of my heart
Knowing that each step, each thought, each action
Every click of the mouse or word shown through the keyboard
Each step brings me one step closer to you

One step closer to forever closing my eyes when the sun fades  
And waking with the sunrise and birds,
Each time finding myself wrapped in that which is your everything
Your arms hold me, squeeze me as a nightmare seeks entry in my thoughts
You gently rouse me from my slumber,
“I’m here. You’re ok. Everything’s ok. Nothing’s going to happen to you while you’re here with me.”
Smiling, and feeling butterflies of middle school similarity fluttering from nose to toe and back
Kiss me softly on the lips
I love you.

I love you too.

I will continue searching for new places, new experiences, perhaps a new home
But you will be at my side, walking, running, or stopping in time with me
I will travel but only if you will hold my hand and go with me
If you wish to stay, I will stay with a compromise
Once in a while, you will come home and I will hand you a plane ticket to anywhere
And we will go,
Armed with a camera, fresh pack of smokes, and your hand interlocked in mine

You are my everything. Now, I look at you and I wonder how I ever even thought I was truly happy before you were in my life. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world every time you catch my eye or lean in to kiss me softly on the nose.

I cannot thank you enough for giving me a second chance. I cannot tell you how much I truly appreciate all you have done to make sure my life is secure and stress-free. Even when I am grumpy and downright horrid, you stay patient and wait for me to relax, and when I do, your arms are always open. Your smile at the ready, so genuine. And when you smile, your eyes shift from green to honey in a split second.

“I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already fallin'” *

So put on your boots, cowboy of mine, ’cause we’re about to tear this world apart and forever search for unseen nooks and crannies, whether holding knowledge or just a good memory. I want you by my side. Always. I love you.

* Lyrics to “Arms” by Christina Perri

3/17/11 --> I won the lottery in matters of the heart and soul ❤