Do you still sit in your corner, listening to the sad songs and wondering when anyone will listen to you?
Do you lay your blade to skin and watch as your tears fall to mix with blood?
Do you shy from those who offer help and guard your smiles for fear you’ll use them all up?
Do your eyes look beyond the crowd and see the sky above, drawing a better life for you?
I did that. I did all of it. I cried. I bled. I hid my smiles.
I blocked my hope. I cowered from chance.
I thought only the sky could hold where I wanted to be.
Would you stand up off your knees and trust me, if only with your mind, listen to me.
Hear my voice as I sing songs of hope to you, a gentle lullaby to still a petrified heart
And understand that I have been there, I have fallen and I have arose to a better tomorrow.
My black, broken silhouette one day unbent, my spine straightened and wings of a new heart spread behind me
Through the cracks shined a brilliant light, pushing with such power to get out
That all forms of my timid shell fell behind, and in a glowing revelation
I let my knees support my trembling body and then my feet, toes gripping for a balance unknown
With a breathing heart, I lifted wings of beauty and rose towards the clouds
Beating through them, confident as all the birds who live there
And though I know I will have to come down, to return back to a ground, a people
I feel that right now, I am no longer broken, I am a figure of strength in my own mind
While I did not trust those around me just yet, I trusted in myself
So as you listen to this song and this melody, know that your soul can too shine and fly
To brilliant new heights and in a blinding light that all might shield their eyes from in shock
You are a person worth sharing with the world
Believe in your strength and in your physical existence
You are real. You are here. You deserve to be seen and heard. You deserve to be loved and understood.
But how can anyone see and know the beauty of a rare gem if it lies amongst dust,
High up on a shelf, in the darkest recesses of a room?
It’s your turn. Shine on.
I can’t say every day I gave my best effort
I won’t say I smiled at every stranger
I will not guarantee that my heart has been in it all the way
I did not put one hundred percent into my actions
But I still felt the appreciation and the anticipation of a new day
I still awoke with a hope that I would get to see the sun rise and fall once more
When the colors seemed to fade, in the brightest sunlight
And the waves rose above my head, tossing limbs wildly
In the gentle glow of dusk, I poured the sand over my toes
Reaching to pick it off the ground and run my fingers through it
Drawing simple outlines of hearts and suns, a vivid imagination
Surrounded me with a beach scene and a delicate breeze
With a quick blow, the wind swept my sand away,
Trickling into the air above the grass and winding into the distance
But still my mind pretended the buildings were palm trees
And each passing car a playful flip of a dolphin fin
Though I doubt some days and feel as though my life goes unrecognized by all but me
I know it is not true and in one jar of sand, my world stays whole and vivid
Oh, I’m hell on wheels, in a handbasket, from the liar of a planet we call Pluto
Racing eagerly through time and space, with a stupid grin
Tripping over my feet as I travel, bouncing off Saturn’s rings and heading to the sun
Each day I step without forethought
My mouth spills words and my mind without passing through a filter
Eyes peering into every cave and shadow passing by
Only to learn after that it’s better to taunt the consequences first with bait
Before jumping into a den of lions
I step out alone and somehow, something always happens
Never serious enough to warrant a security guard
But enough for a shake of the head and a stern word
A small smile and joking-yet-serious voice that reminds me,
Every time I go out alone, something happens
But I can’t really say that’s a bad thing
Yes, tempting fate isn’t the most intelligent of life’s mottos
Yet the stories that I return home with cast humor and a way to pass the time
I know that I am loved, cared for, and that my choices will always be supported by my love, my friends, and my family
Even when those choices run the risk of broken bones or simply a crushed spirit
These are all reparable with time, time which I choose to view as never ending
I won’t live like each day is my last because it won’t be
As naive as that may sound, each day is a new opportunity, building up a step to the next day, with another exciting adventure
So no, I don’t mind my car being keyed, or stalling in the parking garage
I don’t mind feeling a little scared once in a while
Because at the closing hour of my day,
I’m home, safe and loved
Chastised or not, I make it home safe and I am forever grateful
To be so lucky and to be so blessed
Thank you all for allowing me to breathe, to run, and to play
And for being there to guide me to safe haven as dusk fades darker
For sharing in my laughter and my tears
In both, holding me close in a bond broken only through death itself
I love you.
As humans, happiness is our unspoken goal, the one thing that makes us put one foot in front of the other
But what happens when we are happy, when we’ve finally achieved all we’ve sought?
Do we write about the happy lives, the happy times, the happy moments?
Or do we wait for the screw up, the stone to trip over
So that then, and only then, will we have something to share, to immortalize forever
On paper, on the computer and show it to the world
Seeking companionship desperately once the trip forward loses focus
I have nothing horrid to say, nothing sad or depressing
In fact, right now, the only sad thing in my life is my crummy little car
And my dog pees everywhere
But my life is good, solid, happy
For the first time in years, I can’t sit alone and dwell on shit
It’s a nice feeling, one that’s been long awaited
And now fully appreciated
I think Jennyzilla put it best in saying: “The depression and anger follows from expectations that are too high to be lived up to. Life isn’t perfect. I trip, I stumble, I fall. The ones that are there to pick you up make the imperfections fade.”
It’s another night, just like any other
And yet, it’s different from any other night
The same people, the same routine
But we all move around knowing that today is a different day
The sky looks the same, dark, few stars to be seen
And muggy clouds reflect the lights of city that never sleeps
To you, this is a skyline seen so many times over
It never changes
But we all see something so different
So I sit, wondering what makes this night so special
What makes this cigarette any different from the one before it?
Why does the air smell so unique to me? Like it’s never smelled that way before?
It must be the company. It must be the people with me.
It must be the conversation that seems to shed light on new ideas and thought processes
Even though we’ve said it all before
No matter how similar this night may seem
It is different in every aspect
My chair sits just a little bit farther
The breeze tosses leaves gently in an unknown pattern
Even the smoke churns violently but in a rythmic motion
So I breathe it all in
As another night, unlike any other
But so familiar
“To dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the person you are.”
It speaks for itself really. ❤
Sailing with the moon and the stars
It’s not about the beauty this go round
As limbs seem to float about and you’re moving
Carried above to a cold oblivion
Where your insignificance suddenly becomes the biggest thing for millions of miles
“Kill your heroes and fly”* they said
So you did
And now, floating amidst a starry background
Flying has sped up, almost immediately
Smiling to yourself, feel the rush of a cold, imaginative dream
Now open your eyes
Before the mouth can release a scream of terror
The body begins careening carelessly
Flinging the figure into stars
That burning beauty nows peels back skin and muscle
Tears you down to bone
Though you continue to fly,
Stripped of your senses, only your thoughts can bear you on
Tracking the flames of starry wishes
And stabbing through bones with pretend sensations of chilly air
Take me somewhere quiet
Take me somewhere beautiful
Take me somewhere with air
Take me somewhere with water
Take me somewhere warm
Take me somewhere happy
Take me somewhere inspiring
Take me somewhere intriguing
Take me out of this metal pile of disgust, hatred and impatience
Take me from this city and put me in a field
Take me off these highways and heartbreaks
Take me to a sandy spot, with water and a breeze
Take me to a cozy spot, with hay and a cabin
Take me to a high up spot, with snow and a dream
As the numbers float in circles behind my eyes
Twisting inside my dreams and running across my words
The bills have risen higher and higher
The morning sun seems harsher and harsher
The boredom makes me angrier and angrier
The heats sinks me lower and lower
The stress tears my sanity farther and farther
I did it again, in case you were wondering,
I kept my words unspoken and my thoughts under lock and key
I let them loose only to convey I was close to breaking
I was told by one person,
“You won’t ever change, Jordan. You’re always going to keep things to yourself.
You’re never going to fully trust anyone and people are going to give up on you.
Not everyone’s going to stick around and wait you out to the breaking point every time.”
I guess it’s about time I admitted they were right.
I have improved though. I talk a lot more. I show a lot more. I cry a lot more as a result.
I no longer explode in a manner to rival that of a nuclear bomb.
But it still caught up to me today and I slipped up
In a manner that ashamed me and insulted him entirely
Almost called in to work so I could go hide in another city for a couple hours.
But I’m back at work.
Wishing desperately I was hiding.
But I can’t run again.
Running, hiding, turning the tables and remaining a stoic figure, unwilling to listen to brutal honesty about my actions and how they affected others. That is what I did for too many years. I listened but never in front of people. I listened and cried to myself. Now, right now, all I want to do is go hide for a few days. I didn’t even screw up that bad! Yet, I know the level of insult it delivered and I can see his face behind my eyelids, angry, hurt, and wishing that punching a wall would make it all go away.
I want to go to another town.
I want to get in my car and drive.
I want to disappear on a back road.
But despite what I want to do, I want more to keep him around for the rest of my life. Running and hiding won’t make that happen.
Well Jenny, as of tomorrow you will have officially survived twenty-one years on this planet. You magically came out to be a semi-sane human being with me always around. You also have been able to retain much more dignity than I could ever hope to achieve.
So a happy 21st birthday to you Jenny. You have earned a night of endless shots, plentiful beer, and intoxicated lack of coordination which just might result in crawling and possibly a few prayers to the porcelain gods.