Shine On – Have Confidence in Yourself

Broken Silhouette by sappymscobain | Shine On Poem | Koogimama Ponders

Photo by sappymscobain - Click for link

Do you still sit in your corner, listening to the sad songs and wondering when anyone will listen to you?
Do you lay your blade to skin and watch as your tears fall to mix with blood?
Do you shy from those who offer help and guard your smiles for fear you’ll use them all up?
Do your eyes look beyond the crowd and see the sky above, drawing a better life for you?

I did that. I did all of it. I cried. I bled. I hid my smiles.
I blocked my hope. I cowered from chance.
I thought only the sky could hold where I wanted to be.

Would you stand up off your knees and trust me, if only with your mind, listen to me.
Hear my voice as I sing songs of hope to you, a gentle lullaby to still a petrified heart
And understand that I have been there, I have fallen and I have arose to a better tomorrow.

My black, broken silhouette one day unbent, my spine straightened and wings of a new heart spread behind me
Through the cracks shined a brilliant light, pushing with such power to get out
That all forms of my timid shell fell behind, and in a glowing revelation
I let my knees support my trembling body and then my feet, toes gripping for a balance unknown

With a breathing heart, I lifted wings of beauty and rose towards the clouds Lucid Dream Excerpt | Shine On Poem | Koogimama Ponders
Beating through them, confident as all the birds who live there
And though I know I will have to come down, to return back to a ground, a people
I feel that right now, I am no longer broken, I am a figure of strength in my own mind

While I did not trust those around me just yet, I trusted in myself

So as you listen to this song and this melody, know that your soul can too shine and fly
To brilliant new heights and in a blinding light that all might shield their eyes from in shock
You are a person worth sharing with the world
Believe in your strength and in your physical existence

You are real. You are here. You deserve to be seen and heard. You deserve to be loved and understood.

But how can anyone see and know the beauty of a rare gem if it lies amongst dust,
High up on a shelf, in the darkest recesses of a room?

It’s your turn. Shine on.

Dancing in the Sunlight | Shine On Poem | Koogimama Ponders

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Could You, Would You, In Your Life?

Truth and Beauty

A Softer World

There’s a thousand and one ways for you to kill the passing hour
There’s a million and one ways to kill a day
A billion and one to kill a week

A trillion and one in your lifetime

I think a big part of growing up and becoming an independent being
Involves a major lesson on how to be a child again
Actually, growing up involves a lot of lessons

1. Appreciate the little things
It’s the simple, small things that allow you to really grasp how awesome your life is. I know the bills pile up and the days seem to get longer, but it doesn’t matter against the little things.
Your loved one puts a simple post-it on the front door saying “I love you” that you see just as you leave for work.
When you only need a twenty five cents more for your purchase and the person behind gives it to you.
Your waiter offers free refills on something that normally would’ve been extra.

Last night I had one of those moments. We were sitting at the bar and watching as Flash, an older black man, sings soulfully into the mic, smiling at the women who giggle to each other. All of a sudden, a new song comes on and my love sets down my beer, grabs my hand and pulls me onto the dance floor, where we sway slowly, spinning softly, to Elvis.
“Take my hand, take my whole life too / For I can’t help falling in love with you.” 

2. Do not regret what you’ve done in life because at that time, it was exactly what you wanted.
I’m guilty of sitting and regretting A LOT in my life. It’s something everybody does. But there’s value in those things you “regret”. Those drunken nights, those loud arguments in the driveway, the desire to run from the only people who’ve been there from the beginning, not staying in school, quitting a job for false pride. All of these things people can look back on and regret but honestly, would you be where you are today if they hadn’t happened?

Each experience, action, or memory that you look back on with just a little bit more perspective and a tighter hold of the big picture is something to be appreciated, not regretted. Those times built you, showed you where to go, who to trust, gave you the opportunity to be the bigger person, and challenged you to not be content with what you used to be and instead seek improvement and betterment of your self.

3. Remember that the internet isn’t life. There’s the outside as well.
This one’s silly and something that we all heard from our parents growing up.
“It’s a beautiful day today, why don’t you go outside?”
Despite how many times they said it, we still had to be locked outside for a decent couple of hours on a regular basis. At the time, yes, you’re having a fantastic adventure through jungles and hiding from cars but it’s not until years later that suddenly, as you’re sitting in an office or on your lunch break, sweating from manual labor or wearing a jacket in your cubicle, that you miss being able to go play in the mud.

Even if your not an outdoors person, you can still enjoy a nice afternoon outside. I know here in Houston that’s a little impossible right now but eventually!!! A picnic by the bayou, take the dogs to the dog park, challenge your friend to a go-kart race, or just join friends/family for a dip in the pool.

Whenever I get bored with being “grown up” and “responsible”, I invite someone out to eat. And then I initiate a spitball war. Or just throwing random things at each other war. But it never hurts to relax once in a while and just act like a child.

I remember going out to eat and getting told to be quiet and sit still a couple years back by someone. Said that I was being childish and embarrassing them. What I remember most though, was the fact that while they were embarrassed, I was just mad they didn’t try to understand. You don’t have to act like a grown-up all the time. Remember that, boy.

Life is something to be cherished, fully appreciated, a reason to be grateful and an opportunity to do more than just make a paycheck.

You Are Someone Special

Daddy told me a long long time ago,

Thank You for being patient and helping me learn my heart's strength through trial and torture.

You are someone special, you are intelligent, and you are beautiful
You can do anything you want
And at the time, all I did was fire back retorts, shooting down every comment

Special? I’m just a number in my high school. I look the same as everyone else. To be “special” is to be “popular”. I wasn’t.

Intelligent? I got a ‘C’ in this class and only one ‘A’ on the whole report card while all my friends got straight ‘A’s.

Anything I want? I want to dig a hole to china. Can’t do that! I want to go to the moon! Can’t do that (thx Obama).

But now, even though I haven’t really done much with my life, I’ve experienced life
And it took me being treated like I was something that wasn’t special that made me realize I am.  I heard my parents in the background, telling me that if someone loved me, they wouldn’t send me home crying every night, they wouldn’t fight with me regularly until 3 a.m. when my phone was just taken away, if someone truly loved me they would respect ME.
I thought I took in that information. But then I “loved” a man who threatened to stray constantly, who had the backbone of a six year old and an IQ to match, a man who only showed me he cared when I left and didn’t walk back in the door saying it was a joke.  And I realized that while I was respected, to a certain degree, I was not fully appreciated nor being given one hundred percent in response to my hundred and ten that I handed over, free of charge.
So I tried again, and allowed myself to be used, ignored, humiliated, and turned into something of little importance other than companionship so as not to be seen alone at the bar. I blinded myself to the trash talking the second I wasn’t in the room and the constant stories of your history and personality. But I thought I could make you something. I was wrong. And thank god I was. THANK GOD I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG. Because why?

Because, as a result of all those trials and broken, trampled hearts I left in the dust, I discovered the man my daddy told me about at age 12. I discovered a man who respects me, who listens, who appreciates and who lets me know that I’m in his thoughts, whether there physically or not. With this man, I feel like a capable human being, intelligent, beautiful, someone special. I feel special. And I hope he feels special, because my god, the man is the lottery ticket no numbers can claim, nor some random person in Ohio. This lottery ticket is mine, all mine, and I am forever keeping it alongside my heart.

We watch tv together on the couch and I lean my head to place it on your chest. Your heart pounds steadily, a deep solid beat. As I lay there, I check my heart rate, fluttering wildly, it begins to slow down over a period of several minutes. I check ten minutes later, and it beats at the same rhythm as yours. I smile and you kiss me softly on the head. Then my heart rate loses all sense of tempo and begins beating wildly, threatening to burst from within my ribcage, until I quell it with a meaningful kiss, one that tells each other, you are my world and my everything. I only want you. For the rest of my life. And wherever we go after our bodies have finished. I. Want. You.