Shoes On But Nowhere to Go

I kept tearing my world apart,
Throwing everything away
And racing to another destination,
Hoping to find that perfect fit

Nights of crying, nights of wishing
That I didn’t spend every night drinking and going out,
Just to feel wanted

Days stretched into weeks, into months,
With no end in sight
And no real promise to keep my feet moving
So I slowed,
My steps dragged and scraped
Threatening to stop forever,

But a little thread of hope remained
Waving briefly in the light
As songs of happiness and promises for a better tomorrow
Played through my headphones
I allowed myself to dream
But felt that I was stuck and could somehow make myself happy

I tried. I broke hearts.
I lied. I skipped out on plans.
I laid in bed, poring over a map
Wondering where I could go to finally find a place for me

But as the time went on, the finances slipped away
And I came home, back to Houston, feeling that I could be happy
With a man I resented with every word from his lips,
With someone who caused me to cringe at his touch

I got home and knew
I couldn’t keep on pretending to be ok
So I put on my Converse, tied my laces with a purpose
Of which the definition, I was unaware

I ended a relationship of three years
And felt a weight slip off my chest
Unaware I was even constricted in my breathing,
Lungs swelled at the opportunities
Blurry but flashing brightly,
Tempting adventure

And now, I know I just needed to grow out,  
Stand up for myself and acknowledge that my heart has something to give
My spine doesn’t only bend to fit others,
But stands up straight, shaking hesitantly but standing strong

Now, I have a job that offers comfort and happiness,
Best friends who I can call to share a story or ask for a shoulder to lean on
A man who looks at me and makes me feel truly beautiful
A place to be on my own but ensure I stay responsible without a parent’s helping hand

In the silence of the night, I smile to my ceiling
And realize the purpose in my Converse
Was to carry me to a new road
Where the light was bright, the options were everywhere
And my travels were all my decisions

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And So She Thinks: Day 6

Entry 6: The taste of last night is lingering behind my eyes. Flaring up at random. So vivid yet so vague. Reminiscing with an old friend. The air is warm. Humidity has dropped to tolerable. The beers are cold, the smiles warm. Talking of the wacky social circles, the welcoming hallways, old loves and forgotten friends. Some have moved on, some are stuck, one has died, and others have loved. Foggy memories dragged from the depths of our memory base. Look at each other. Who are we? We are just people. Trying to make it through. I think I’m doing a good job at it so far. Only time will tell. Literally.

Talking, drinking, smoking, laughing, smiling, wondering, wishing, and hoping last night made me realize what I do have. I have you. I have you to smile with. I have you to love. I have you to hold when I cry and you to back me up when I want to cut a bitch. I have you and that’s all that matters to me. You, my heart, my friend, are the reason I am still here.

Well, somewhat here. Just sat through one of those incredibly boring, can’t hold your attention no matter how hard you try, meetings. I did, however, read a very interesting quote on the powerpoint.

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard; why aren’t we like the wise old bird?”