Little One & Jennyzilla

Is it worth it?
Three years ago, I might’ve said no.
I might’ve  just walked away
Thinking no one would notice

But I didn’t, I maintained connection,
Not well, I’m ashamed to admit
But they stayed in my mind,
And randomly, a memory would cause me to reach out
Just to say hello and I miss you

Months went by, then years

Jojo, Little One, & Jennyzilla 2011

Promises to come visit never fulfilled
And then, after breaking hearts and raising hell,
I finally came home

I was scared of rejection,
And being resented for never coming by
For dropping off the face of the planet
Due to drinking my solitude away and seeking a friend
Thinking that I was finally living my life
But finding myself, curled in a blanket every night
Wanting my companions of old
To sit and talk

So I put on a brave face,
Put aside my false pride
And picked up the phone,
Beginning with an apology
And asking for a friendship back that I had taken for granted

When we were once more all in the same room,
Our three minds fell back into our old patterns
Swept up in the happiness that I hadn’t realized was missing
There weren’t resentments, just some tears at my absence

Slowly, we talked, laughed and reminisced,
Shared our three years of separation
And reveled in how we’ve grown but still stayed the same
Carrying memories of us in the heart

I felt my bones begin slipping back into place,
My muscles began to tingle, eager to stand up
My skin held on carefully, keeping me in check
And I felt the cracks throughout my life
Begin to finally heal

I finally jumped up after months of subtle support
And smiling, turn out my hands
To hold onto my two girls,
Who smile at my drunk moments,
Slap me on the head when I act stupid,
And offer unconditional friendship

I missed you ladies so much while I was gone.
Being back, and having y’all back in my life
Showed me that everything could be ok
And that it’s alright to break down and ask for help
I can’t do it on my own

Little One & Jennyzilla, you helped me
Once more regain my old self
And laugh with everything I have

In August, it will be ten years,
And we will continue counting until we can breathe no more
Together, we will ride to hell
And lord help the devil himself,
When we get down there, it’s going to be crazy

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Timeless Death

With our heads bent down in shame
We admit to the error that is humanity
Hands clasped together, we shall fall to our knees
And understand that knowledge of what we have has been absent

In those few precious moments 
An enlightenment of overwhelming proportions
Shall alight upon the weakened shoulders
Of man, woman and child

Challenged by life itself
Many shall turn their backs on the chilling truth
And as death descends
To call forth its eternal lovers
The pitiful humanity cries for more time
But the face of death’s clock is blank
No hands, no calculating seconds
A blank face of that which is time

Paled men rise with shaking knees
Whilst the few who understood
And lived for the day death should arrive
Instead shake Grim’s hand
A concentrated brow furrows
To know that what we have earned will be no more
Our last vacation stops at a reaper’s door

There Once Was a Girl

Who ran in front of my car
She waved me forward
She wanted me to hit her

I sat in my car, shocked. She kept waving at me. I just put the car in park and stared at her. I just sat there. I didn’t know what to do. She made eye contact and I knew then, that she would regret her choice (if) when a car hit her. Just before the collision, I knew she would instantly wish she’d stayed on the sidewalk. Before she could make that choice, I wanted to stop her. I put on my hazards and opened my door. Just as I did, a car came peeling around the corner. It was flying and she saw the open opportunity. She ran towards it and I remember closing my eyes and praying they would stop. When I opened them, she was still standing there. And the car was driving in the opposite lane of traffic to go around her. She was crying, sobbing hysterically, screaming. When it came down to it, I could think of nothing to say. I sat there, my door open, watching her. My heart was pounding and in my head, I knew what she was feeling. I’d felt it before. I’d felt the bitterness, the disappointment, the hatred of life itself and I only hoped that within the next few minutes she would realize that her life was worth it.

A car came down a side street and stopped. A man came out the driver side and I saw her pause, and stare. She was crying. All he did was open his arms and suddenly she was holding him, asking why, saying she was sorry, telling him she loved him. I closed my door, turned off my hazards and finally put the car in drive. The next five minutes to the house, I was shaking. I walked inside and sat down. Unable to speak. I had no words for what I’d just seen. They didn’t understand it. I’d seen my fourteen year old self in that street, sobbing uncontrollably and begging every car to just end it all. I sat there on the couch, quietly, and just prayed that she would be alright. I didn’t know this woman but her life had become as valuable to me as my own. I guess it takes a moment like that to show you how important every other person is.

I still think selfishly, I still get upset over little things, I still feel that some people don’t love me. But all I have to do is remind myself of that woman, at 10:13 p.m. on a summer night, bawling in the street, begging me to run her over. I hope she made it through the night and I hope that she has learned to wake up in the morning and be glad for every day of life left.

And So She Thinks: Day 6

Entry 6: The taste of last night is lingering behind my eyes. Flaring up at random. So vivid yet so vague. Reminiscing with an old friend. The air is warm. Humidity has dropped to tolerable. The beers are cold, the smiles warm. Talking of the wacky social circles, the welcoming hallways, old loves and forgotten friends. Some have moved on, some are stuck, one has died, and others have loved. Foggy memories dragged from the depths of our memory base. Look at each other. Who are we? We are just people. Trying to make it through. I think I’m doing a good job at it so far. Only time will tell. Literally.

Talking, drinking, smoking, laughing, smiling, wondering, wishing, and hoping last night made me realize what I do have. I have you. I have you to smile with. I have you to love. I have you to hold when I cry and you to back me up when I want to cut a bitch. I have you and that’s all that matters to me. You, my heart, my friend, are the reason I am still here.

Well, somewhat here. Just sat through one of those incredibly boring, can’t hold your attention no matter how hard you try, meetings. I did, however, read a very interesting quote on the powerpoint.

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard; why aren’t we like the wise old bird?”