Sweat of the Devil’s Dance

Sweating in the Devil's Dance

In a devil’s dance, the bed unfolded
With wicked grins seen in the moonlight’s profile
It’s a whispered tale between two lovers
A carnal manifestation of the heart
Evidenced by the nails in his back,
Each fingers digging a path of blatant need

With each breath, a song begins to take shape
A gentle intro, swept up into the chorus
To a rhythm known only by the body
The musical break arrives with a mouth’s caress
Take a second to see not the trembling limbs
Look into each other’s souls, basking in a love all our own

As the beat picks up, seemingly impossible
The exhilaration heightens and thoughts erase themselves
It is no longer a conscious creation but one of instinct
Centuries of knowledge and need announce their presence
With a song as old as time, the music plays loudly
Blocking eardrums and sanity
To be swept up in the notes, carried off to the melody

Our skin meets harshly but perfectly
In the window’s light, the sweat glistens and the humidity is thick

In a moment, the limbs tighten and hold
For a split-second, the scene is frozen
Breath stopped, eyes closed, fingers entwined

And it is gone

The exhausted forms fall, still in a state of bliss
The aftermath shows both,
Head on his shoulder as chests rise in unison, gasping heavily
With a sigh and a smile, a kiss concludes
To the ending scene

Or two porcelain bodies, profiles rising and falling in a desperate want for air
Sweat dissipating
Content, they lay and rest
Seeking to remain in a blissful, loving state for as long as possible

As quickly as the physical needs struck them both, they fade away
The mind regains control, pushing back natural instinct
The thoughts filter in slowly and following is conversation,
One gives in and both rise to dress and exit the stage

The Moment of Sunrise

You can’t see the sun, but suddenly the grass is lit
The birds rise and sing as one, chirping incessantly
They sound as if they’re crying to be noticed and held, loved
But no bird wants to be held close
They are to fly free, fly solo as they were born to do
So I stop personifying that which denies it

As I sit on this limited section of concrete,
I feel the bricks digging into my back at every corner
And I light up one more cigarette,
Knowing my friend has succumbed to the sleep that escapes my grasp
These blue eyes rove over the street beneath me,
Watching as people emerge from their doors, locking them,
Getting into their car and driving to a job meant to give purpose to one’s existence

And through it all, I realize that none of it matters
Because you’re not here by my side, holding my hand, and watching the world turn with me
I used to run searching desperately for a place to stay and call home
But now I know,
“You put your arms around me and I’m home” *

So each day, as I gingerly place my feet on the carpet beside my bed,
I step slowly but surely, confidently
Trusting the drumming of my heart
Knowing that each step, each thought, each action
Every click of the mouse or word shown through the keyboard
Each step brings me one step closer to you

One step closer to forever closing my eyes when the sun fades  
And waking with the sunrise and birds,
Each time finding myself wrapped in that which is your everything
Your arms hold me, squeeze me as a nightmare seeks entry in my thoughts
You gently rouse me from my slumber,
“I’m here. You’re ok. Everything’s ok. Nothing’s going to happen to you while you’re here with me.”
Smiling, and feeling butterflies of middle school similarity fluttering from nose to toe and back
Kiss me softly on the lips
I love you.

I love you too.

I will continue searching for new places, new experiences, perhaps a new home
But you will be at my side, walking, running, or stopping in time with me
I will travel but only if you will hold my hand and go with me
If you wish to stay, I will stay with a compromise
Once in a while, you will come home and I will hand you a plane ticket to anywhere
And we will go,
Armed with a camera, fresh pack of smokes, and your hand interlocked in mine

You are my everything. Now, I look at you and I wonder how I ever even thought I was truly happy before you were in my life. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world every time you catch my eye or lean in to kiss me softly on the nose.

I cannot thank you enough for giving me a second chance. I cannot tell you how much I truly appreciate all you have done to make sure my life is secure and stress-free. Even when I am grumpy and downright horrid, you stay patient and wait for me to relax, and when I do, your arms are always open. Your smile at the ready, so genuine. And when you smile, your eyes shift from green to honey in a split second.

“I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already fallin'” *

So put on your boots, cowboy of mine, ’cause we’re about to tear this world apart and forever search for unseen nooks and crannies, whether holding knowledge or just a good memory. I want you by my side. Always. I love you.

* Lyrics to “Arms” by Christina Perri

3/17/11 --> I won the lottery in matters of the heart and soul ❤

Your Smile’s Parade

Maddenning travels
Parading tumultuously through the streets
A parade of two

The grandeur of the event
Far outweighs that of any I’ve ever seen
So long as your hand is there in mine

Fireworks seem to burst in a life unexpected 
Between your pupils and mine
This darkened street comes alive
Lights flash in all brilliant colors
Your smile, a sight beyond comparison

In our silence, the noise is deafening
The screams of children, jumping for candy
Figures dance excitedly all around us
Escorting you and I as the prize unattainable

Your fingers tense, pulling me to another street
And as the corner is rounded, the fanfare disappears
You and I walk alone, hand in hand
A new darkened street
Then you turn and smile

And the parade begins anew

Kaleidoscopic Suicide

Through the eyes of Cognac, I see these demons that have sought to greet me
Toes curl upon a cold floor, yearning a ground more yielding
Should I look up to the stars, I will die tonight

Your glittering eyes coast into focus 
My body is motionless yet I crash into the unfolding kaleidoscope,
Enveloped in your misty existence
Your frantic voice berates my ears
Hands that once held my world,
Now press delicately to my skin

Torn, to fight or to wake so sweetly
I remain still, hovering in this dream so real
Pour the philosophical musings of our late nights
Back into my voice
So that if only once more, my tongue would know
The beauty of such glorious days

My newest suicide lies within your fingertips,
Seamless silence would show you, if you would only listen
Yet amongst your echoing desperation of why
My lips cease to open, filled instead
With a memory of intoxicating existence,
What I lived for leading me to crave forever your memory,
As my motionless form is lowered,
Only six feet from your being so ethereal

Cage Within a Bird

*I published this several months ago and took it down for reasons known to myself. But I still like how it was put together and the emotion that I threw behind it. So I’m putting it back up, for poetic reasons rather than a message.

**This no longer applies to my current situation. Just for clarification.

I look and within that all-knowing glance
I feel the sorrow that has torn from within
Twisted, burned arms wrench
From beneath the gut and pierce through a raspy throat
A sorrow so overwhelming 
For what I have done,
There will never be enough apologies
But what is done is done

Perhaps it is a set up designed to fail
Perhaps the blueprints are off scale
Should I run from this as I have before?
But in fear, nothing will be accomplished
In a backbone delivered generation through generation
I will sit up straight,
Break the fingers that hold the throat closed
And with a guarded tongue,
All shall be spoken in truth

I cannot tell you that I will fall into your arms
I cannot tell you I shall once more kiss such lips

Instead, I can tell you I shall look upon you
And I will smile
For a cage within a bird
Lies a smaller bird, just as eager for flight
In lapsing time, freedom shall remain mine
But we can smile together
And know what lies in our hearts

Spinning in Confusion

I spin in a circle, caught up in my own head
Wondering paranoid delusions and fantastical situations
I am turning upon the concrete and smiling to a moon so bright
Feel as if the stars are a maze, to travel through
Perhaps upon these sparse lights
My upside-down world could take shape and explain itself to me
Maybe I could disappear into the sky
Fly upon the wings of clouds and time alike
To a mind like no other
To a dream of truth and wonder
Tiptoe across the rings of Saturn
And breathe where there is no air to consume
It would make more sense than what lies within my own eyes
Each word I feel dance upon my lips and retreat
Every instance of enlightenment frantically fades
As a gasp of knowledge flies from my mouth
Only to fall short with nothing to follow
Spinning as a mad hatter

Could we all learn to be so unknowing?
Would it be so terrible to lose these improvements of the brain
That have resulted only in problems, disease, emotions, and confusion?
Confusion has set upon my shoulders with a desire to stay
But I hate permanence and I hate dust
Yet no other human can lay out the missing puzzle piece
Every other piece is there except two
The one a stranger holds, the one to give me a sense of complacency
And the piece I hold to my heart
Imprinted so solidly from the grip I have sustained
These pieces must be in place before I die
But first

I must stop spinning
I must erase this confusion of a brain
I must sit and  know
I must understand why, why to everything
Why him, why her, why this, why that, why it, why what
It all must be laid out, be it in a map, in the sky, in the bathtub, in my own reflection
To know is to allow freedom of my puzzle piece
And finally finish my self-portrait

Happy, Halted Machinery

Slow-motion, I see my room turn sideways
Beds lie, held by unseen gravity, to walls
In a moment of disbelief, I wait until reality chooses to reveal itself
Lie silently, hands clasped upon my chest,
I feel as if to lie in a coffin of cotton sheets
In the dim moonlight peeking through the blinds,
I look beside me at the cold, untouched pillow
My fingers trace the folds in the sheet, reaching for a ghost

Finally, I have broken
Finally, I have felt the relief of a thousand tears
My face rests on a soaked cushion, and I cannot open my eyes
Bones weary as if running a machine
Finally, the muscles have given in
A rigid routine, destroyed from lack of attention
A glorious machine, with years of perfect operation
Grind with a great sigh to a halt well overdue

A sleep, so fleeting and hazy, returns to grace me
If only for a night
And amidst the tears and the maniacal laughter, I feel a comfort
My life may not fall directly within the lines of any definition
My choices may perplex all who inquire
But for once, I feel as a child

Free 

I feel content, happy
Tonight, I know I won’t feel the terrors that grip my subconscious so often
If only for tonight, I will dream
Of flowers and ponies, of carnivals and cotton candy
Relinquishing hold of all that I refused to acknowledge,

I can smile
There’s only one thing that could truly make this better
But that will come with time
I will wait for the blue gaze to share mine
But until then,
I will sleep soundly
If only for tonight

We Three

In the midst of every tangle
Your hands reach out to me
Your smiles are there to catch my fall
And your welcome arms encompass every hard feeling

Your meaning to me 
Has expounded in every starry night
Spent, smoking like chimneys
We three can take on the world together
As different as we are
Puzzle pieces are we

When you wonder what the world has to offer
Just look to your left and look to your right
For every time that I fall to my knees
Alone and broken, unwilling to stand
You two are there, lifting me up
I feel my heart bursting at the seams
How can I show you two,
How my life has changed
Permanently, for the better

Holding hands, we three walk the sidewalk
And in unison, we march
Down the concrete, our converse blinking in the moonlight
And we disappear on the path together
Forever linked and forever meant to be just here

No judgements, no expectations
Sit and look at the stars together
And smile knowingly

Little One and Jennyzilla, you have forever  changed my world and I will be forever grateful

And So She Thinks: Day 14

Entry 14: Curled up in the sheets, tucked away from the frigid air blasting in the corner. In the silence of the room, I hear a piano, trickling to provide a soundtrack. Pressing my nose to the corner, I stare at the blank wall. Hints of words exist in my peripheral vision but I focus every ounce of attention on the slight texture, existent but two inches from me. I feel my eyes, floating in circles to grasp and memorize this small stretch of wall. I’m not sure why but I look for meaning in the almost invisible crevices, the slightly raised sections. What happened? Well, I know what happened. I feel as if through out the night, constant thoughts were just bursting into flames, exploding in a shower of fireworks. The night sky was filled with revelations and confusion.

I had walked outside, away for a few minutes. Staring at the bottle covered in condensation, I sat and sat. Then I stood up. A song with more instruments than words was heard faintly from inside and I stood up in the parking lot and spun. I spun in a circle, with my arms spread and watched the stars twist above me. Faster and faster I spun, faster and faster the earth fell away and the stars became strings of thought, strings of words. It was all so much in such little time. So many words pressed against my lips and I fought so hard to hide them. Those words called feelings. My eyes gave me away. Windows to my soul that I have yet to board up. I continued spinning, distracting myself from it all but at the same time, seeking the center point for which to cling to. That center point to which I could sit and understand it all. Understand you.

You don’t scare me. You say you understand me entirely. Then you should understand this. I can take a lot. A lot more than you give me credit for. So have a little faith. Because I have faith in the devil in you. And I won’t walk away. Sitting here, curled in the corner, cold sheets grazing my legs, I think of you. Fireworks of comprehension stir behind my pupils and the wall is shadowed with your image, crying. I remind you gently, that everything will be okay if you just give it time. Time, time, time. Big Ben towers above my figure and each hand strikes a tone that echos for ages in my ears. Lets just do here and now. Can we do that? Here and now, the stars have stopped spinning. Here and now, I see your sleeping face. Here and now, I hold your hand.

So just hold my hand and smile back. That’s all I need.

Trio

The smiles rest easy
On a suede couch
Amongst similar hands and faces
Take another swig and fall,
Prey to the laughter of good times

Pass around the jokes
And share the lowered eyelids of looks
Grin at the beat,
Pressing into the back of your head
A rave, settled into a ten foot room

The music falls gently but solidly,
Dropping like water,
Eyes rest on the television
And every perverted joke
Turns giggles into choking laughing,
Wipe the tears away
And light up a smoke

Breathe calmly and share
The trials and changes in our lifetime
Excitement to realize
That high school is really over
Each one progresses
Moving forward with our lives,
It’s really happening
Really

Yet through it all,
We remain together
Inseparable,
Every step of the way,
I’ve got your hands
And you both have mine

I couldn’t have made it this far
Without you two
Thank you

Can’t Run From It

She hid it in the cupboard first
To gather cobwebs and hide
But they found it
So she hid it in her desk
To decompose quietly
But she kept seeing it
So she put it under her bed
But like the princess and the pea
It burned a hole through the mattress at night
She moved it to her car
To be ignored
But it sang louder than the radio
So she decided to wear it on her sleeve
You can’t ignore something so strong
For very long
And when she moved it,
It became quieter
It shined and blinded those around
But it comforted her
And wouldn’t weigh her conscience at night

For the first time in a long time,
A full night’s rest
Came to her
And she awoke with a smile
That wasn’t so hard
But she quickly learned
For those who were blinded
There were many who saw it for a challenge
And beat it brutally
But she stood strong,
Building armor, setting up obstacles
And in the process
She realized how truly complicated
And similarly how truly simple
Love was

Glowing Earth

Sow the seeds of hope
Into the young of heart
And the open of mind
Share the splendor of love
With the children
And the adults
There is much to see in this world
And such a short time to see it
You live to die
How depressing it sounds
But you still have to LIVE
Take the time in your life
And love
And laugh
And share with those
What makes you happy
Share with them all
Why you are here
Why you are still standing
Why you fight to smile
And do what you want

There is more than work and school
There is adventure,
New people and new experiences
New places and new activities
Or if anything
The same shit
And a different, better mindset
On my good days,
Everything has a glow
Doesn’t it?

It glows of good intentions and happiness
Of a healthy world and sound mind
It glows of wonder and fantastic possibilities
You just have to reach out and pick a card
Yes, I will ____________

Put on your dancing shoes
We’ll head out west
And kick our heels at the sun
Put on your diving suits
We’ll head to the beach
And play in the water
Nothing can bring us down
Not when I’m here
So take my hand and we’ll go
Wherever you want
Wherever screams at you
We’ll travel and fly
And race across mountains
Across deserts and oceans

This life is here for us,
This earth a playground
Meet me on the jungle gym
And I’ll show you a recess
You’ve never dreamed of

Put The Smile There

I fall into my dreams
Wrapped in his arms
And I cry to know that still
I cannot do this every night

For every second I am apart,
There are fourteen thoughts of him
Flying behind my eyes
Pressing against my lips

I cannot hold a conversation
Without begging to know what he’s doing
I cannot smile without wishing
That he’d put it there

I see him and my heart is pulling at the strings
Banging against my chest
Wanting to be his everything
“Why is your heart beating so fast?”

To entwine into his life
And reserve nothing
But is it there to receive?

Will he take all of me?
Handed over without so much as a whimper
Given, graciously, with a smile
And a prayer that it’s what he needs