A Smile so Wide Before a Slumber so Sweet

~ I wrote this in the beginning of this love that is a dream and in finding it again, realized how true it still rings. The days may continue to pass and the comfort may sometimes overwhelm the romance, but still I will love you and sleep soundly in your arms. ~

Sunflowers from Carrizo Springs - Love Poem - Koogimama Ponders

Would you but glance across the room to catch my gaze
My lips instinctively part in a smile so wide
As you walk decidedly in my direction,
Automatic reaction lifts my hands out to receive you
In a single graze of your fingers to my shoulder,
I find a heart set aflutter, verging on a heart attack so sweet

I would stand beside you if you would say it
I would forever awaken to your slumbering form
Wrapped in my arms, legs tangled together

I look into your eyes and know,
What I feel is reflected, cautiously yet vividly
As we lie together, breaths catch in the soft glow of the night
Your arms reach around and catch me,
Providing resistance should I even choose to switch positions

In this unspoken emotion, I feel all control
Of life and limb, handed over eagerly
I would warn you to keep it safe,
But I know the warning is reflected as you seal your feelings
With a gentle kiss
A kiss to last a moment
A kiss to last an eternity
You would show me what it is to truly love
And I will not back down

I awaken in the mornings
With a vitality that had long faded from my muscles
A purpose with unknown definition lifts me from my pillow
Each day is a day of possibilities,
Is a day of true connection with another soul
Is a day I get to spend with you
And that is enough to wake even a hibernating bear
And encourage it to frolic beneath the sun

As I rest on the brink of sleep at night,
I feel your alert form, watching
Should I open my eyes if only for a moment,
I will catch you staring at my face,
Those green eyes, speckled with both blue and gold seem to shine
And that quick smile you give me before I turn to bed
Will chase away my nightmares for another night
I cannot cry, even in my dreams,
For you are there to keep me safe and keep me with you
I am in love with you
Your kiss tells me you are too
I love you

Don't Take True Love for Granted - Love Poem - Koogimama Ponders

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You Are Someone Special

Daddy told me a long long time ago,

Thank You for being patient and helping me learn my heart's strength through trial and torture.

You are someone special, you are intelligent, and you are beautiful
You can do anything you want
And at the time, all I did was fire back retorts, shooting down every comment

Special? I’m just a number in my high school. I look the same as everyone else. To be “special” is to be “popular”. I wasn’t.

Intelligent? I got a ‘C’ in this class and only one ‘A’ on the whole report card while all my friends got straight ‘A’s.

Anything I want? I want to dig a hole to china. Can’t do that! I want to go to the moon! Can’t do that (thx Obama).

But now, even though I haven’t really done much with my life, I’ve experienced life
And it took me being treated like I was something that wasn’t special that made me realize I am.  I heard my parents in the background, telling me that if someone loved me, they wouldn’t send me home crying every night, they wouldn’t fight with me regularly until 3 a.m. when my phone was just taken away, if someone truly loved me they would respect ME.
I thought I took in that information. But then I “loved” a man who threatened to stray constantly, who had the backbone of a six year old and an IQ to match, a man who only showed me he cared when I left and didn’t walk back in the door saying it was a joke.  And I realized that while I was respected, to a certain degree, I was not fully appreciated nor being given one hundred percent in response to my hundred and ten that I handed over, free of charge.
So I tried again, and allowed myself to be used, ignored, humiliated, and turned into something of little importance other than companionship so as not to be seen alone at the bar. I blinded myself to the trash talking the second I wasn’t in the room and the constant stories of your history and personality. But I thought I could make you something. I was wrong. And thank god I was. THANK GOD I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG. Because why?

Because, as a result of all those trials and broken, trampled hearts I left in the dust, I discovered the man my daddy told me about at age 12. I discovered a man who respects me, who listens, who appreciates and who lets me know that I’m in his thoughts, whether there physically or not. With this man, I feel like a capable human being, intelligent, beautiful, someone special. I feel special. And I hope he feels special, because my god, the man is the lottery ticket no numbers can claim, nor some random person in Ohio. This lottery ticket is mine, all mine, and I am forever keeping it alongside my heart.

We watch tv together on the couch and I lean my head to place it on your chest. Your heart pounds steadily, a deep solid beat. As I lay there, I check my heart rate, fluttering wildly, it begins to slow down over a period of several minutes. I check ten minutes later, and it beats at the same rhythm as yours. I smile and you kiss me softly on the head. Then my heart rate loses all sense of tempo and begins beating wildly, threatening to burst from within my ribcage, until I quell it with a meaningful kiss, one that tells each other, you are my world and my everything. I only want you. For the rest of my life. And wherever we go after our bodies have finished. I. Want. You.

The Moment of Sunrise

You can’t see the sun, but suddenly the grass is lit
The birds rise and sing as one, chirping incessantly
They sound as if they’re crying to be noticed and held, loved
But no bird wants to be held close
They are to fly free, fly solo as they were born to do
So I stop personifying that which denies it

As I sit on this limited section of concrete,
I feel the bricks digging into my back at every corner
And I light up one more cigarette,
Knowing my friend has succumbed to the sleep that escapes my grasp
These blue eyes rove over the street beneath me,
Watching as people emerge from their doors, locking them,
Getting into their car and driving to a job meant to give purpose to one’s existence

And through it all, I realize that none of it matters
Because you’re not here by my side, holding my hand, and watching the world turn with me
I used to run searching desperately for a place to stay and call home
But now I know,
“You put your arms around me and I’m home” *

So each day, as I gingerly place my feet on the carpet beside my bed,
I step slowly but surely, confidently
Trusting the drumming of my heart
Knowing that each step, each thought, each action
Every click of the mouse or word shown through the keyboard
Each step brings me one step closer to you

One step closer to forever closing my eyes when the sun fades  
And waking with the sunrise and birds,
Each time finding myself wrapped in that which is your everything
Your arms hold me, squeeze me as a nightmare seeks entry in my thoughts
You gently rouse me from my slumber,
“I’m here. You’re ok. Everything’s ok. Nothing’s going to happen to you while you’re here with me.”
Smiling, and feeling butterflies of middle school similarity fluttering from nose to toe and back
Kiss me softly on the lips
I love you.

I love you too.

I will continue searching for new places, new experiences, perhaps a new home
But you will be at my side, walking, running, or stopping in time with me
I will travel but only if you will hold my hand and go with me
If you wish to stay, I will stay with a compromise
Once in a while, you will come home and I will hand you a plane ticket to anywhere
And we will go,
Armed with a camera, fresh pack of smokes, and your hand interlocked in mine

You are my everything. Now, I look at you and I wonder how I ever even thought I was truly happy before you were in my life. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world every time you catch my eye or lean in to kiss me softly on the nose.

I cannot thank you enough for giving me a second chance. I cannot tell you how much I truly appreciate all you have done to make sure my life is secure and stress-free. Even when I am grumpy and downright horrid, you stay patient and wait for me to relax, and when I do, your arms are always open. Your smile at the ready, so genuine. And when you smile, your eyes shift from green to honey in a split second.

“I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already fallin'” *

So put on your boots, cowboy of mine, ’cause we’re about to tear this world apart and forever search for unseen nooks and crannies, whether holding knowledge or just a good memory. I want you by my side. Always. I love you.

* Lyrics to “Arms” by Christina Perri

3/17/11 --> I won the lottery in matters of the heart and soul ❤

Shoes On But Nowhere to Go

I kept tearing my world apart,
Throwing everything away
And racing to another destination,
Hoping to find that perfect fit

Nights of crying, nights of wishing
That I didn’t spend every night drinking and going out,
Just to feel wanted

Days stretched into weeks, into months,
With no end in sight
And no real promise to keep my feet moving
So I slowed,
My steps dragged and scraped
Threatening to stop forever,

But a little thread of hope remained
Waving briefly in the light
As songs of happiness and promises for a better tomorrow
Played through my headphones
I allowed myself to dream
But felt that I was stuck and could somehow make myself happy

I tried. I broke hearts.
I lied. I skipped out on plans.
I laid in bed, poring over a map
Wondering where I could go to finally find a place for me

But as the time went on, the finances slipped away
And I came home, back to Houston, feeling that I could be happy
With a man I resented with every word from his lips,
With someone who caused me to cringe at his touch

I got home and knew
I couldn’t keep on pretending to be ok
So I put on my Converse, tied my laces with a purpose
Of which the definition, I was unaware

I ended a relationship of three years
And felt a weight slip off my chest
Unaware I was even constricted in my breathing,
Lungs swelled at the opportunities
Blurry but flashing brightly,
Tempting adventure

And now, I know I just needed to grow out,  
Stand up for myself and acknowledge that my heart has something to give
My spine doesn’t only bend to fit others,
But stands up straight, shaking hesitantly but standing strong

Now, I have a job that offers comfort and happiness,
Best friends who I can call to share a story or ask for a shoulder to lean on
A man who looks at me and makes me feel truly beautiful
A place to be on my own but ensure I stay responsible without a parent’s helping hand

In the silence of the night, I smile to my ceiling
And realize the purpose in my Converse
Was to carry me to a new road
Where the light was bright, the options were everywhere
And my travels were all my decisions