It’s Fuckin’ Funny

Isn’t it funny,
Just a little hysterical
How one song
A few lyrics
With a simple guitar background
Can somber any mood
Can bring you back to those places you don’t want to go
Those places you have struggled to put so far behind you?

But at the same time,
Another song,
Can lift you above the clouds
Throw you into the sun
With a smile from ear to ear
They remind you of all that is good
Of the miracles gracing you every day
Of the people you’re lucky to meet
And the events that changed your life for the better

But the happy songs don’t play for me
The happy songs wait for me to seek them out
For when I finally admit,
I need a little help
To bring that smile back

But for right now,
I sit amongst friends
And listen to those sad songs
The songs I deleted from my collection
In an effort to forget.

But you can’t forget.
No one forgets.
People forgive. Some forget, I suppose.
But I don’t.
It’s always right there,
Patiently waiting outside the door
Waiting for the day when I say,
Alright, you can come in for a little bit
But sometimes a little bit turns into a long time
And sometimes a long time becomes consuming
And consuming erases my smiles
And all I can do is sit
And wait it out

Go see a therapist
Go talk to somebody
Fuck you and your ideas
I can handle this on my own
For the past eleven years of my life
I have dealt with this
And I would like to think I have come out just fine
But I guess you’ll never know
You never asked questions
And I never told
And when I did, you were no help

Those pitying eyes only angered me
Those reassuring pats to the shoulder
Just made me want to strangle you
That choking hug drove me up the wall
I wasn’t asking for your fucking pity
I just wanted understanding
And those who I turned to
Offered no help
Only those fucking pitying eyes
And that sad turn of the eyebrows

You don’t fucking understand
You’ve never fucking understood
How much rage has been built up inside of me
How many times I have cried just to have someone listen

I don’t want a therapist
I want a friend
I want a friend who will sit and listen
And in the end, just say, “I understand”
I don’t want apologies
I don’t want empathizing stories
I know I’m not alone in this world
But when I’m upset,
Ugh, nevermind

Why am I so angry?
Why am I so bitter?
That’s an excellent question
That I have sought the answer to for a long time
Turn the other cheek
Well I did, I turned the other cheek
Amongst the fucking teasing,
The bullying
The betrayals
The lies
The insults
The lack of concern
The lack of appreciation
I turned the other cheek to everything
I bit my tongue every day
You have no idea,
The amount of self-control I implemented every day
And the secrets,
The pain that did occur
The hurt and the shame
It took a long time to admit it wasn’t my fault
Took a long time to realize that I had no control
Over what had occurred

It’s when the ranting begins,
That I realize how locked up I become
I finally started to feel free in this world
I am now finally feeling comfortable and happy
But it doesn’t make it go away
Just shoves the anger and those miserable feelings
Out on the doorstep for a little while.
I brought it on myself,
Listening to the songs
That I knew would result in this feeling
Tight lips, curled fists, a closed face
And no nice comments to offer

If you can’t say anything nice,
Don’t say anything at all.
Instead, go punch a fucking wall
Break your fucking knuckles
Keep it all to yourself
And then deal with the questions
“Why are you so angry all the time?”

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